(Via Tom)
I don’t know exactly how to start this story off. I guess i should start off by saying I was home schooled as a child. I only went to a (Christian) private preschool and kindergarten (if that even counts) so of course I was taught nothing but creationism and a biblical world view from an early age.
I remember once wondering why people believed in evolution so i asked my Mom if we could perhaps study it. She gave me a dirty look and told me i would have to learn about it on my own.
My only social life consisted of church/youth group up until about the age of about 14ish. It was around that time that i started to get in touch with some friends That used to attend a Home School group with me at a young age. (I will call them Bill and Ted) Me Bill and Ted started to get heavily involved with hardcore and punk music. As i grew up with these friends, they always held their faith strongly as did I. We still went to church and youth group but i started to get more of a social life outside of that by going to shows and making friends there and such. I can’t say exactly when it was that I started questioning what I so blindly believed. I must of been about 16 when I started listening to a punk band by the name of Bad Religion and saw a movie by the name of Zeitgeist. Both those things motivated me to do more research on atheism. After reading many books that tried to prove Christianity and many books about atheism i came to the conclusion that i was an agnostic. No doubt.
I never straight up told Bill or Ted but had brought the subject up quite a bit and dropped many hints until after awhile they finally caught on to the fact that I didn’t believe in God 100%. For awhile it was not that big of a deal, We had debates but we still coexisted very well. Slowly but surely that all changed. We started hanging out with alot of people and in a country where about 90% believe in God or a higher power they just so happened to as well. As did most everyone i knew. I remember one time when i was at a church with about 5 of my friends we were all outside eating some food and one of my friends (Who shall remain nameless) Said to me…”Hey man can i be straight with you for a second?” Me: “Sure.” Him: “Alright…can you get your head out of your ass and just believe already? We all know HES real” I was just quite hoping he would shut up but then Ted decided to add on to that comment by saying “Yeah I’m sick of this atheist/agnostic bull shit” (yes they cuss.) I still just stayed quite and they all laughed and put in their own harsh comments. Due to the fact that i wasn’t saying anything Bill decided to mimic what he thought i would say in a very sarcastic voice. “Whhy are you guys making fun of me?? I can believe what i want.” I know that all might sound kinda over exaggerated but i promise you it was all word for word.
As time went on i finally realized i was an Atheist for sure. I remember the night i told Ted i was an atheist he just said “well that’s depressing” I agreed to an extent due to the fact that all my close friends and family believe in God. I sometimes feel like the only one of my kind. I’m no more than a casual acquaintance with very few non-believers. Bill and Ted both slowly started taking me less seriously as a person. When ever my opinion would come up on any subject they would just make fun of it or belittle it. They always call me politically correct as an insult because i take a strong stance against Sexism, Homophobia, And racism. I don’t use the terms “Nigger”, “Fag” or “hot babe” and they make fun of me for that all the time. Another close friend of ours always goes out of his way to use those words just to try to get a reaction out of me. But i just don’t care anymore. I am now 17 (18 in 2 months) and its at the point where i can’t even bring up any issue that i find to be important because they just won’t listen.
You may be thinking to yourself…”Why doesn’t this kid just get new friends?”
Well its just not that simple. I have known these people for years and have built up a tight friendship with them. Even though i have told you about the bad we have had some pretty damn good times together. Forming a bond like that with other people takes time and is not as easy as it sounds. Although if i met the right people I would honestly leave them in a heart beat.
My family is a somewhat different story. I have 4 siblings and my youngest and oldest brothers are the only ones that know I’m a non-believer. When i told my older brother he didn’t care and said he has been an Agnostic for awhile now. I wasn’t that shocked but then he said (jokingly) if i told anyone he would kill me. He pretty much pretends to be a Christan. I guess its just not a big of a deal to most people as it is to me. I think my parents kind of know but probably deny it to themselves. They have seen The God Delusion laying around my room, I don’t go to church, they probably hear the negative comments i make about religion, but honestly i could give two craps if my rents found out or not. I hate them. They are awful people who don’t even deserve the right to be called “parents”. I’m not gonna go into to detail why they are such failures because that’s not what this story is about.
Even after reading this no one will fully understand my situation because I have left many things out and no one else has my outlook on life nor can they see things from my perspective. I have many other crazy stories that I just don’t wish to share. Typing this all out and reading other stories has been very therapeutic for me though.
I have been to The Creation Museum, I have read The Bible more than once, I have given my life to Christ multiple times, I don’t believe in the god of the bible! Nor any gods for that matter.
THE END.
Tags: home-schooled
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:03 am
Don't feel anger at Christians. The situation, you see, is that not everyone will follow God. You see, even before the creation of the world, we are chosen, some to follow Jesus Christ and others to live without Christ. It took me awhile to figure this out. It is completely scriptural. In fact, it is present throughout the old and new testaments. It is a concept know as "predestination" or "Calvinism".
Possibly he will make his call evident to you one day. Mine did not come until my 30's. Now that I am here, God has changed my heart. I am a much happier person than I used to be. May God's blessing be bestowed upon you.
November 25th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
My last couple of years in a Catholic high school, I stayed in the closet about my (non)beliefs. I relate to your story. So now I'm in my 50's and this year I joined a atheist/skeptic group on Meetup.com and have gotten to know a number of other people who welcome this kind of discussion. Take heart and good luck fellow doubter!
December 6th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Tom, Holy crap, you’re telling my story, dude. Only I’m 40 years old and all that stuff happened when I was your age. I wasn’t home schooled (I don’t even think it was legal back then), but my parents were intensely evangelical and all of their friends were too. I too was subjected to endless evangelical sermons, Sunday school, Christian classes, youth group, outings, house church, etc. etc. Totally surrounded!
I had doubts by age 10, but I couldn’t let anyone know. I was convinced that my parents would send me to a psych ward or disown me. So I lived in constant fear and had no one to talk to (that was before internet!).
When I was about 14 or 15 I too discovered hardcore/punk. So did two close friends of mine from my parents’ church. We actually formed our own Christian punk band. They didn’t know that I was actually an atheist. You’re probably one of the few people who could understand why I did this and didn’t just dump them as friends.
I’m doing great today, in fact I’m an extremely happy person, and have been for a long time. And I’m still an atheist and my siblings and parents are still evangelicals. The thing that I want to tell you, though, is what I wish I could have told myself when I was your age; In no time flat, you’ll be out of the house, on your own and you’ll be your own person. You’ll probably still be in contact with your Christian buddies, but you’ll find much better friends that you get along with better. Incidentally, my Christian punk buddies became extremely messed up and as far as I know, they are still very messed up and unhappy.
I had an extremely difficult time. The whole evangelical thing messed me up so, so bad. I had to hide and stuff my feelings and learn how to shut down emotionally. I partied way more than I should have and got into a lot of trouble.
Eventually, I managed to straighten myself out. I wish I would have known mature non-believers that I could’ve talked to about all of this stuff when I was your age. Just to have confirmation that it’s okay to be yourself. Also, that my parents didn’t mean to harm me – they themselves were taken over and victimized by evangelicalism. Instead of calmly assessing my situation, I reacted against them with hostility and hatred for what I was put through. I had to work all that stuff out before I could move on.
Tom, just try to have fun. Go to tons of punk shows and do everything you want to do. You’re only 17 once. All the crap you’re going through will end one day and you’ll be free from the shackles of religion and religious people.
Check out my full deconversion story at Exchristian.net
Peace.
December 6th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Oh, my deconversion story is called "Got Away Twice" at Exchristian.net.
December 7th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
I've "given myself to Christ" no fewer than 7 times over a period of 12 years. It never sticks, as I read the bible and, well, you know…and I can fully related to your story (only I'm 29 with two babies). most of my extended family are fundamentalist leaning; good people mind you, but very "conservative" in belief. Anyway, I've been therebefore, and once you move out and go to University or whatever you plan on doing, it'll get better. I don't rely on religion anymore, I just focus on taking care of my family (oh wait, we have no family values, haha!). Also, find the Brother Inferior discography CD, that was my first exposure to atheism; they're a hardcore band from Oklahoma that existed in the late 90's, they have some great godless anthems :O)
December 9th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Hey man. This is Tom. Thanks for your comment. I appreciate it. I'm just glad to know there is/ was someone out there with a story some what like mine. Its funny you bring up the term " Christian punk" because when i first fell in the scene i listened to a bunch of Christian punk bands. (still do to some) Flatfoot 56, Head noise, ect…
I also go to a music fest every year called cornerstone (maybe ya heard of it)
So that's another reason i am friends with so many Christians I guess. Its funny because I was at a show just a few days ago and these 2 guys in a Christian hardcore/punk band were drunk off they're asses! So was one of the guys girl friend who is also a Christian. The other guy snuck off in the bath room with TWO girls! Haha just thought that was funny. I never got into drinking or drugs myself and i am indeed straight edge.
I tried looking up your story but it was 404'd…I was pretty disappointed.
Also THANK YOU to everyone that commented my story!
(Except the person that tried telling me about predestination. Something i already know much about)
December 12th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Tom, yeah, looks like ExChristian lost my story. I reposted it there and then I posted it on this site. Wow, there was no developed Christian punk scene back in the 80's that we knew about. That's funny about those Christian punkers being wasted! I've met so many people like that in High School! … the two friends I was telling you about eventually got way into drugs. I stayed friends with one of them all the way up until about two years ago. Even though his lifestyle was totally not evangelical, he still always had that worldview. I've helped him as much as I possibly could over the years, but I think that his religious views are actually hurting him at this point. He thinks that either he's doing God's will or Satan's will. So if he's a little bit bad, he figures he may as well be very bad. Also he's confused because he thought that since he's "saved" horrible things shouldn't happen to him. He had this crap beaten into his brain when he was young and now it's doing a lot of damage. I've decided that if he asks me for help again I'm going to have to deprogram him first!
Peace!
January 14th, 2010 at 4:27 am
I'm a little late, but I wanted to say II have an eerily similar story. I was homeschooled for the entirety of my education, I'm 17 and will be 18 in September, and my best friends are all hardcore Christian. I know exactly what you mean about making other friends. I've known my two closest friends since we were children and they're honestly like a second family. Fortunately, they're pretty cool about my beliefs. My parents, on the other hand, are worried about my eternal destiny and such, which breaks my heart because I hate making them feel like they've failed in some way.
February 18th, 2010 at 5:42 am
Tom, I can relate to the close ties with friends of a former faith. Also, read Got Away Twice -good stuff, Contantine.
For some reason, I always asked if someone is going to hell for an un-belief, shouldn't believers love 'em just the same while they're around -sort of with a mutual respect with boundaries sort of approach. -Its all a short-coming of a very narrow view, I see now, so they can't even do that in many cases.
But I've always thought of things with several degrees of meaning. Can't even say I'm functioning quite right, but I'm getting better. So, yeah, its tuff, but that doesn't mean atheism isn't the answer you need or that some time in deism isn't good. I'm atheist. You got to do what's right for you. Think sanity.
Here are some random thoughts and challenges: Enjoy that youthful libido, I wish I had more of mine not lost or overshadowed by the arbitrary values I held too long. (I'm 31 and still have 'magic powers,' ha ha: And yet, for all that, I am still more naive than I would hope to be at this age -which complicates relationships a little, as my last girlfriend proved.) Carry a mouth guard in your pocket which covers top and bottom teeth, if you want to go get in fights. : ) Believe in 'raincoats' and some discretion -only, if your not complete straight edge -no judgment, either way. Best to you.